picking up the pieces and other psychobabble

OK, enough is enough. Three weeks of wallowing in misery and self pity is enough and it is time I started to pick myself up again.
I will not deny that I am finding life hard at the moment, but then I know that a fair percentage of the population is also struggling at present. And as my father always says "There is little point in telling people about your problems because 80% of people don't care and the other 20% are glad it has happened to you."
Now my Dad is actually the calmest, most good natured person I have ever met. The kind of scarily intelligent person who never seems to get ruffled or lose his cool, who stays smiling even when faced with terrible news, the kind of man who seems to be instantly respected by those around him. So maybe it is time I tried to emulate him a little more. That doesn't mean I'll become some kind of zen master, at peace with the world and all the morons who populate it. Hell no, that'll never happen. But maybe I need to pick my battles more carefully so that I have the energy to fight the big ones. And maybe I need to stop beating myself up over things that are beyond my control.
As has been pointed out to me, the world has always been full of morons and so far I have survived 23 years without encountering too many problems. Yeah, OK there have been occasional near misses and being hit the other week really did leave me very shaken. But these idiots have been driving round for as long as I have been walking about and there is no reason to stop that now. If there are some idiots who wish to remove themselves from the gene pool then who am I to stop them? I can only ensure that I do the right thing in the hope they don't take me out with them. I am a little more nervous, I don't have as much confidence but I need to get back out and behave as normally as possible or I will turn into a recluse. Admittedly the winter weather doesn't exactly motivate me but soon it will be summer and I don't want to be stuck in the house all the time, scared to even look out the window.
I needed to sort things out so I have given my statement to the police, talked to an advice service and appointed a solicitor. I have had a long hot shower to try and do some kind of pseudo-psychological washing away of my troubles. I have visited a friend and had a coffee and a rant. And I am starting, slowly, to feel a wee bit better.
Life is hard at the moment but being miserable is not going to help. So however hard it is I guess I just have to grit my teeth, put up with it and then come on here for a good old rant.

crazy shouting lady

I am turning into a hermit. Although the pain and stiffness are easing I am still pretty sore and creaky and have a weird limp that makes me look like a wonky duck and I don't like to be out too much at the moment. Partly due to the pain and tiredness and the fact that even when I am trying to walk fast grannies can overtake me but also because I have been feeling really panicky when I am out. There are so many idiots doing so many stupid things that I feel constantly on edge. And seeing other people in dangerous situations makes me feel physically sick at the moment.
In town the other day a man stepped out in front of a bus which missed him by about an inch. He started laughing and immediately walked in front of a car (which luckily was going very slowly). I almost threw up I was so tense.
I have also been at pelican crossings recently when one or two cars have gone through the red light. At which point I become "Crazy Shouting Lady" who stands on the pavement waving her arm ineffectually at traffic and shouting after the offending vehicles that they should drive carefully. It is not a good look.
Then I was on a bus recently and saw a woman who, rather bizarrely had placed her sleeping baby on the plastic shelf at the bottom of her pram where you would normally stow your shopping and had filled the actual pushchair part of the pram with bags of shopping.
So I really have two options at the moment - become a full time crazy shouting lady or become a properly reclusive cat lady. Decisions, decisions

absolutely typical

Two and a half weeks ago I get hit by a car while walking home.
For two weeks I barely leave the house, and if I do it is being driven in the car we borrowed from my Dad.
Finally, toward the end of last week I have to go out, alone and on public transport - once on Wednesday and briefly on Friday.
By Saturday I have gone down with some kind of nasty little bug which has given me sore eyes, runny nose, painful sinuses and a constant feeling of nausea.
Thanks unclean people on buses, I appreciate it!


hit by car, she lives!
rests at home for two weeks but
catches bug from plebs

feeling the pinch

I know that January is never a good month financially, what with the post christmas hole in every one's bank account (maybe there is a hannukah, diwali or eid sized hole for our non-secular and non-christian friends, I don't know) plus the fact that we are all much more likely to have more lights on, use the heating and hot water more, and cook hot meals more often. But my bank account is looking decidedly unhealthy at the moment, largely due to the rather nasty bill I have just received from British Gas. £600 for the quarter!! Not only that but they have only given 5 days in which to pay it. Nothing like a bit of financial pressure, eh? I do love my house but at times like these I think maybe a 1 bed super insulated bungalow would be better than a detached Edwardian house. The high ceilings look lovely but don't make it easy to heat, and as we don't have cavity walls we can't get cavity wall insulation. Fixing the damp problem has helped, and the new roof and loft insulation are an improvement but blimey. £600, and we still have the rest of January, February and March before it will start to get warmer.
As is always the way with these things 2 of my cats have now become ill. Why they only ever become unwell when I have no money is a mystery, but the little Siamese has got some kind of cold (don't ask me how as they don't go out) and is on medication from the vet and now today the big old moggy has started behaving as though he has cystitis again, which means another trip to the vets tomorrow.
So if anyone knows of any get-rich-quick schemes or would like to send me money then please do get in touch!

gym'll fix it

I went out properly today on my own for the first time since the incident/accident. Up till now I had only been out a few times, and with someone else except for the Sunday straight after it happened when I appeared on the local radio station dosed up on codeine. (I had been invited on by the way - I didn't just get high on opiates and get a taxi to the studio for the hell of it)
Anyway, I hadn't realised until I was walking around that I am still really sore and stiff. My right knee is pretty bad when I am walking and my neck and back are still pretty knackered, so my aim to be back in the gym in the next week or two looks a tad overoptimistic now.
It is all a bit weird, my attitude towards the gym. I have never been big on organised exercise, I still have too many nightmarish memories of PE lessons at school, cross country races in the middle of winter (and the accompanying sheep's head) and terrifying teachers who forced you into the communal showers in a process that seemed more to do with humiliation than it did cleanliness. I have always preferred to keep reasonably fit by just walking everywhere, taking the stairs and so on. However at the end of last year I decided that I wanted to try and improve my health and fitness. I used to work in a job that involved spending a large amount of time outside and walking around, so the transition to office job shortly followed by a worsening of my health and subsequent unemployment meant I had put on a few pounds and become noticeably less fit. Add to that a few years as a smoker and I certainly wasn't at my peak.
So I joined up to a local gym on a 1-month trial basis. I thought that if I managed to fit a few visits in, and I didn't mind it too much I would try and make a bigger commitment and go regularly. What I hadn't expected was that I would really love working out.
I hate sweating and getting out of breath, but when I was told at my induction and health assessment that I was actually quite fit and should be able to do a good workout it spurred me on. Within a couple of weeks I was running further on the treadmill, lifting heaver weights, doing more reps - and it felt great. I never knew that exercise could give you such a buzz.
I was really just getting into the swing of it, and feeling fitter and healthier when I was hit by that blasted car. Since then I have been desperate to get back to the gym.
I never thought I would be saying that!

FGM

I said a little while back that I would write a post on female genital mutilation (FGM), and having recently read Waris Dirie's book "desert children" I thought the time was right.
For those of you who do not know about this vile practice I will attempt to explain.
In many countries, mainly in Africa, FGM is carried out on a high percentage of the female population. Sometimes the practice is carried out on the females when they are babies or children, other times when they girls are older, in their teens or before marriage. It is often referred to by its supporters as "female circumcision", although this term does not really cover the horror of the act.
Their are different "grades" of harm of harm involved in FGM. In some countries it is common practice to cut or remove the clitoris. In some cases the clitoris and the inner labia are excised. In the worst cases the girl is subjected to "infibulation", where the clitoris, inner and outer labia are removed. what is left is sown together, leaving only a matchstick sized hole through which the girls/women can urinate and menstruate. All types are horrific.
In most cases the mutilation is carried out by an untrained non-medical person, and is performed without sterile equipment, without medical aids, without anaesthetic and without consent of the individual.
In many cases the girls can become seriously ill or die from the procedure. it is thought around 1 in 3 girls who are infibulated die from blood loss as a result of the procedure. Those that survive the mutilation will have many problems as a result, including urinal and faecal incontinence, abscesses and infections, problems with intercourse and childbirth and of course a lack of pleasant sexual feelings. Many of the women who have been infibulated will have major problems in childbirth as the baby does not have a clear way through the birth canal, As a result many women and babies die during labour.
Perhaps one of the more disturbing things is that it is often women who have been subjected to this themselves that are inflicting this torture and betrayal on their own daughters and granddaughters.
There are many reasons that people carry out this practice, none of them good. In some cases it is argued that by removing the opportunity for women to enjoy sex they will remain faithful and not stray. In other cases it is considered to be a sign of cleanliness or purity and a non-mutilated woman may find it hard to find a husband. Sometimes it is that a woman who was infibulated in childhood can prove her virginity on her wedding night. some cultures even believe that a baby will become ill if it is born to a woman with a clitoris. and in some cases it comes down to religious interpretation.
Obviously it is clear to us that these ideas are backwards, although many fear saying this as they believe it implies racism. It does not. It merely shows that without decent education, and where outdated ideals are adhered to without question people will inevitably suffer.
Many of those who mutilate their children believe that it is part of the Muslim faith. Yet there is no passage in the koran to support it. There are some references in the hadiths, although these are generally considered to be "weak" hadiths and are open to interpretation. There are also many women and girls mutilated who do not follow the islamic faith.
Worryingly, there is evidence that this horrific procedure is also being practiced in the UK, and the rest of Europe. While it would seem that many people take their young daughters back to Africa to be mutilated, it seems that some mutilations are also being carried out even in this country.
The practice, wherever in the world it is committed is utterly vile and despicable - a massive infringement on the girls who are subjected to it. However surely we are in a position to stop this from happening to girls in this country?
I would support a system such as the ones proposed by Waris Dirie and Ayaan Hirsi Ali, whereby girls who are considered to be at risk, or those who are being taken by their family to countries where FGM is considered desirable or the norm have a medical examination to ensure they are still intact before they make their trip abroad, or if they are not travelling then just to have it noted on their medical records that everything is as it should be. When the girls return from their trip, or if there safety is in question they would have another examination. If the girls had been mutilated at any time then the parents should be prosecuted. we have legislation that is meant to deal with this issue, but it is not used, and as far as I know, no one has been prosecuted for FGM in the UK.
I know there are people who would complain that the medical examinations would be an invasion of the girls privacy, but I ask you which is worse - a medical exam or being horrifically and irreparably mutilated? I know which I would prefer.
I think that alongside this you would also need a major campaign to inform people of FGM, the laws against it and the risks involved. This could be displayed in doctors surgeries in many languages, within local mosques and churches, at community groups and most importantly in schools. If every schoolchild in the country was informed about the practice, and told how to get help if they were at risk, or had been mutilated then at least the girls themselves would realise they had rights and a way of avoiding mutilation.
It may sound drastic, but please consider the fact that there are thousands of girls in this country, British citizens and refugees alike who are either at risk of mutilation or have already been subjected to this horror.
It is only by being open, discussing the matter and trying to protect those at risk that we can try and eradicate this obscene practice.

For more information please take a look at
the Waris Dirie Foundation
Ayaan Hirsi Ali
Forward

getting better..

Well, hopefully you will be please to hear that I am starting to feel better after the incident the other week. While I am still fairly sore and stiff I have reached a point where I can at least move around the house and prepare food etc. It sounds daft saying it, but I really do just feel incredibly lucky. It is a relief to be able to get back into my jeans as well - I have spent the last week or so wearing skirts and feeling cold because my backside was too sore to cope with with trousers. So I am starting to feel more like myself again, which is nice. It is surprising how a little thing like being able to wear my favourite old comfy jeans makes me feel so much better.
I have managed to completely mess up my sleep patterns though recently. The combination of tiredness and pain and the painkillers I was prescribed to deal with it have meant I have been sleeping at strange times.
Last night I started writing a short story and I ended up staying up all night. I wrote 12000 words in total, so I hope you will forgive the short post today.
However the tiredness caught up with me at noon today and I dragged myself off to bed, waking with a jolt at half five this evening. My poor body doesn't know what time it is now.
So, hopefully I should be feeling more human by tomorrow and can resume my usual blogging habits.
I wonder what will p**s me off tomorrow...?

experiments in a range of motions

You will be pleased to know that I am now capable of some extraordinary movements that were inconceivable a few days ago.
I can now get up out of a chair unaided. I can carry a plate of food almost 5 metres. I can put my own shoes on. In a few minutes I am going to attempt a crazy stunt - I will attempt to read a hardback book!
I am even able to lift my arms above my head.
Yep, it is all happening in the crazy life of Bitchin' Atheist.


Oh, and I think I may be getting addicted to the smooth gentle caress of the codeine...

something to look forwards to

I am feeling pretty excited as I have finally got myself booked in for my next tattoo. I won't say too much about it mainly because I am extremely tired and run down (pun entirely intended) but it is nice to have something positive to focus on. So by May time I should have my next tattoo, the design has been finalised, I have made the appointment and it is all very exciting!


That's about all I have to report today as I have not ventured further than the kitchen. The aches and pains are becoming more manageable though, I am becoming addicted to codeine and I can actually carry the hefty weight of a pint glass full of water from one room to another. Progress!

aches, pains and David Blunkett

I should probably warn you that I am unlikely to be able to provide any kind of intelligent, sarcastic or amusing comments at present because I am in quite a lot of pain, am totally stiff, feel utterly worn out, haven't left the house and have had my brain addled by shock, pain and opiate based painkillers.
One of the weird things I am finding is that while I stayed remarkably calm at the time I was hit by the car I have kept panicking since. So when I was being flung through the air I calmly thought "this might kill me", and when I was lying in the road I thought "keep your breathing and heart rate steady in case you are bleeding", and yet now, a few days later, sat in my pyjamas at home with a cat asleep on my knee I keep being gripped by fear. It is not at all nice.
I went out briefly on Saturday and I was terrified the whole time. I kept expecting every car on the road to suddenly veer off its path and hit me. I hope these feelings soon pass.
It reminds me of a piece of advice my Dad gave me some years ago, about driving. He said "always assume that every single person on the road is an idiot who is about to do something stupid and unexpected. By keeping that in mind you will be alert and quick to react."
Which is pretty sound advice really.
The other thing that has happened since the incident is that I keep having nightmares. I know that other peoples dreams are not very interesting, but I am still being haunted by the dream about David Blunkett in my kitchen wearing pinstripe dungarees and placing Yorkshire puddings covered in gravy in all my cupboards. I don't know what it symbolises and I don't think I want to know!

I would also just like to say a big thank you to all the people who have been looking after me these last few days, from the woman who ran over to me straight after the accident and held my hand till the ambulance arrived, the wonderful paramedics, the excellent staff at the hospital, my long suffering boyfriend and E who came round today and was simply wonderful. And of course thanks to anyone else I may have forgotten to add, which includes the numerous friends and well wishers that have been in touch.

another uneventful day in the life of Bitchin' Atheist

You remember my anger and disdain for drivers who fail to signal correctly?
And you know how I like to live a nice, quiet life?
Well the two subjects collided spectacularly today when I was hit by a car after the driver failed to signal. So far my nice quiet 2009 has not been especially nice or quiet!
I am amazingly not seriously injured. I have some serious "soft tissue damage" (that means I am black and blue and oh-so-sore) but incredibly have no broken bones or internal injuries.
I was wearing a backpack at the time which is damaged, as were most of the contents but at least it saved my spine. My left buttock took most of the impact - the car hit my right hand side, I hit the bonnet, hit the windscreen and was propelled down the road, landing on my arse and back. If I had hit my head or neck with as much force as I hit my bottom I would probably be dead. If I hadn't been wearing my backpack I would quite probably be paralysed. As it was I had still hurt my head, back and neck so when the ambulance came I was strapped to a back board, with a head brace and neck brace and whisked off to A&E. After being cut out of my clothes to avoid moving me whilst the doctor checked me over and several x-rays later it was established that I had no broken bones and no internal injuries, just the soft tissue damage. So I am badly bruised from the back of my head all down by back and front as far as my left thigh, with added sore spots in my arms, torso, ribs, stomach, left hand and right knee. Not nice, but better than any of the other possible outcomes. I can't believe I came off so well. Sometimes a bit of bottom fat is a good thing! (plus a full backpack, and a lucky landing)
The doctors have warned me that I am going to be in serious pain in a day or two and for a while after, but hey, I am alive and no broken bones.
But my plans for a nice, gentle and quiet 2009 are not really panning out so far.

why you should always pay attention in class

I was talking to a friend of a friend today who is training to be a teacher (crazy people, have they forgotten what school was like?!) and he told me a brilliant anecdote;

A while back, in a secondary school science lesson the class were being taught about radiation, and different types of radiation sources. The teacher then proceeded to take out a lead box which contained sources of alpha, beta and gamma radiation. These sources of radiation were shown to the students and controlled experiments were done using the radioactive materials, under supervision.
Yet at some point near the end of the lesson the 3 sources of radioactivity went missing. Several days later, one of the students walked into the science classroom with an unusual necklace on a long chain. It transpired that the (utter idiot) student had decided to steal the radioactive sources and turn them into a necklace which he had been wearing ever since! Not only is this an excellent example of why you should pay attention, but also a marvellous example of someone who really ought not be breeding going some way to preventing his genes being passed on.

Anyway, it got me thinking - this could be an interesting form of contraception...

be very afraid

I can't believe I missed this until now:

Private firm may track all email and calls

'Hellhouse' of personal data will be created, warns former DPP

• Alan Travis and Richard Norton-Taylor
• The Guardian, Wednesday 31 December 2008
• Article history

The private sector will be asked to manage and run a communications database that will keep track of everyone's calls, emails, texts and internet use under a key option contained in a consultation paper to be published next month by Jacqui Smith, the home secretary.

A cabinet decision to put the management of the multibillion pound database of all UK communications traffic into private hands would be accompanied by tougher legal safeguards to guarantee against leaks and accidental data losses.

But in his strongest criticism yet of the superdatabase, Sir Ken Macdonald, the former director of public prosecutions, who has firsthand experience of working with intelligence and law enforcement agencies, told the Guardian such assurances would prove worthless in the long run and warned it would prove a "hellhouse" of personal private information.

"Authorisations for access might be written into statute. The most senior ministers and officials might be designated as scrutineers. But none of this means anything," said Macdonald. "All history tells us that reassurances like these are worthless in the long run. In the first security crisis the locks would loosen."

The home secretary postponed the introduction of legislation to set up the superdatabase in October and instead said she would publish a consultation paper in the new year setting out the proposal and the safeguards needed to protect civil liberties. She has emphasised that communications data, which gives the police the identity and location of the caller, texter or web surfer but not the content, has been used as important evidence in 95% of serious crime cases and almost all security service operations since 2004 including the Soham and 21/7 bombing cases.

Until now most communications traffic data has been held by phone companies and internet service providers for billing purposes but the growth of broadband phone services, chatrooms and anonymous online identities mean that is no longer the case.

The Home Office's interception modernisation programme, which is working on the superdatabase proposal, argues that it is no longer good enough for communications companies to be left to retrieve such data when requested by the police and intelligence services. A Home Office spokeswoman said last night the changes were needed so law enforcement agencies could maintain their ability to tackle serious crime and terrorism.

Senior Whitehall officials responsible for planning for a new database say there is a significant difference between having access to "communications data" - names and addresses of emails or telephone numbers, for example - and the actual contents of the communications. "We have been very clear that there are no plans for a database containing any content of emails, texts or conversations," the spokeswoman said.

External estimates of the cost of the superdatabase have been put as high as £12bn, twice the cost of the ID cards scheme, and the consultation paper, to be published towards the end of next month, will include an option of putting it into the hands of the private sector in an effort to cut costs. But such a decision is likely to fuel civil liberties concerns over data losses and leaks. Macdonald, who left his post as DPP in October, told the Guardian: "The tendency of the state to seek ever more powers of surveillance over its citizens may be driven by protective zeal. But the notion of total security is a paranoid fantasy which would destroy everything that makes living worthwhile. We must avoid surrendering our freedom as autonomous human beings to such an ugly future. We should make judgments that are compatible with our status as free people."

Maintaining the capacity to intercept suspicious communications was critical in an increasingly complex world, he said. "It is a process which can save lives and bring criminals to justice. But no other country is considering such a drastic step. This database would be an unimaginable hell-house of personal private information," he said. "It would be a complete readout of every citizen's life in the most intimate and demeaning detail. No government of any colour is to be trusted with such a roadmap to our souls."

The moment there was a security crisis the temptation for more commonplace access would be irresistible, he said.

Other critics of the plan point to the problems of keeping the database secure, both from the point of view of the technology and of deliberate leaks. The problem would be compounded if private companies manage the system. "If there is a breach of security in that database it would be utterly devastating," one said.

Taken in full from the guardian online.

pretty amazing really

I know that I am always quick to whinge and complain about things (the clue is in the name) but every now and again I like to take a step back and think how amazing everything really is. I don't just mean the natural world, which is incredible and too massive to go into now, I mean the world we have created around us, our society and culture.
I often write about the things that annoy me, anger me, wind me up or leave me shaking my head in disbelief but today was one of those days where I just found myself amazed that everything actually works.
Just take something like the traffic system for instance. Millions of cars on the road, all those people driving and lets face it there is a fair percentage of them that are pretty dumb, or do silly things and yet for the most part people drive on the correct side of the road, within the speed limits, obeying the signals and rules of the road and without causing accidents. Sitting in one of the countries major cities watching the evening rush hour unfold along one of the major roads is strangely poetic in its own way.
But to me, even more amazing than things like transport infrastructure are the emergency services, rescue services and the medical profession as a whole. When you consider that every day there are men and women who go out on lifeboats into treacherous waters, scour mountainsides for lost or injured people or run into burning buildings to save lives it really is pretty incredible. Then you have the paramedics who race to your aid with a van full of medical supplies should you ever need them and the teams within our NHS hospitals who work tirelessly day and night to save lives, operate and nurse the sick and injured, often for a relatively low wage.
The ideas themselves are great, but the fact that they actually work is, to me, amazing.
I know that these things are all pretty obvious, things that we tend to take for granted but I do think that every now and then it is worth stopping for a moment and realising how much we do have, and how lucky we are to be born into a time and a place where these things are possible, and possible to the extent that we often fail to even consider them.

the youth of today

I came across this news story earlier, reporting that many young people feel depressed, with a relatively large percentage feeling that their life lacks meaning.
Considering the way young people are treated by society, and the discrimination faced by young people on a daily basis these figures do not surprise me. However I do find it sad that so many young people feel that they are so worthless.
However I doubt that anything will change, unless our society changes its attitudes toward young people, stops discriminating and treats people with a little respect.
See my earlier post on age discrimination for a more in depth look at this topic.

A "happy new year" message in which I still find something to complain about

Happy New Year folks, I hope you haven't consumed too much falling over juice!
Let's hope that 2009 brings happiness and health and all that. At least, I hope it will be a good year.
A brief review of 2008:
A family feud
Serious illness of a very close relative
Poor health for me personally
Loss of job
Faulty house (I could list all the faults, but that would get quite tedious)
Death of a relative
and so on...

On a more positive note though I managed to get through 2008 without a single hospital admission - the last time I managed that was 2000!

Anyway, keen observers will have noticed that I am typing this at about 2 in the morning on new years day, which shows you the kind of exciting life I lead.

So, Happy New Year, and I hope to see more of you in 2009.